How to understand what to do in life? Basics. The psychologist gave advice to those who do not know what to do in life What do you do in life

Every person sooner or later needs to answer the question, which is perhaps one of the most important in principle. It is, of course, about choosing a life path, about determining one's destiny.

Not every person is able to decide what to do in life. He may be hindered by doubts, bad experiences, obstacles, a subconscious fear of failing and being broken, or even other people. But it really doesn't matter.

Step #1: Follow your dream

Many people, trying to figure out what to do in life and how to find themselves, approach this issue from the wrong side. They think - what will bring more money? What is the most prestigious specialty? What would you like to do to secure a solid status in society? What profession to choose, so as not to strain too much? What to do to get approved by the society?

All these questions are irrelevant. You have to start doing what you love. This is what I really like, what I always wanted to do.

Is the approach reasonable?

Of course, many people will find a thousand rebuttals to the above words. Allegedly, not every “dream business” will provide a stable income, status in society, significant connections, career growth, and so on.

Well, perhaps. But is it worth spending your life, which does not last so long, on a business that does not bring any moral satisfaction and pleasure? Definitely not. In the end, everything will lead to routine and hopeless boredom. A person will wake up already tired, and at work, count the minutes until the end of the shift. And so from day to day. Is there any meaning in such a life?

Step #2: Develop and Improve

If a person, deciding what to do in life, has made a choice in favor of a dream business, he is already halfway to success. But half more is ahead. And it consists in constant improvement and development.

No wonder they say that in any business there are successful people. And there is. Why? Because they are not limited to working in their favorite specialty. They think about how to develop this direction.

These people are puzzled by the question: what can be done to attract other individuals who are the same enthusiasts to their business? And for them, such thoughts are not so much a start for a business plan, but a desire to find interested like-minded people and share their favorite business with them.

What is the result?

As a result, the time spent on the development of their activities begins to pay off. Often these people really come up with the idea of ​​setting up a business, which later brings a solid income. And outsiders, watching such success, wonder: how could they make money on what, it would seem, cannot be profitable?

Everything is simple. They love their job, they know it inside and out, and they also have a non-standard approach to its development. That's why it's so important to do what you want. Devoting time to your favorite business, a person will not want to stop there. He will want to develop further.

If there are no thoughts

Now it is worth talking about those cases when a person really does not know what to do in life. I mean, he doesn't even have a favorite hobby.

Well, this is a more complicated case. As a rule, the life of such people goes on autopilot. They exist in a pattern that millions of people have gone through—go to school, go to college, get a job, get married. And they completely forget about the realization of the inner "I", the potential of which in the conditions of such a banal existence simply goes out. But at one point, such people realize that their life is not at all what they would like to see.

What to do then? You need to separate your thoughts from others and be alone with yourself. At such moments, a person understands: he does not know himself at all. He adheres to the views that his parents / society / comrades convinced him of. He lives the way he “should” (although there is no such thing). He simply does not feel the world around him, does not listen to the inner "I". And this needs to be corrected. How? About this - a little more.

Honesty to yourself

She matters the most. If a person does not know what to do in life, he needs to answer only one question. He must ask himself, "What do I want?" And act on the answer. Which, of course, must be specified.

But usually the answer to one question leads to another. It usually looks like this: “I want to be happy. Okay, but what do I need for this? Probably freedom and money. How can I get both at the same time? Apparently, the only way out is remote work. But what exactly? What can I do? What can I do?

Yes, there are many questions. But the consistent formation of specific answers to each of them will lead to the fact that a person will finally decide what he really should do in life. There is no need to rush into this matter. It is important to listen to your desires and not compare them with existing opportunities, but look for new ones to realize them.

goal setting

If a person does not know what to do in life, then he needs to start from the end. That is, decide what he wants to get in the end. In other words, set a goal.

It should be as specific as possible. It is important to clearly formulate it and set certain limits. For example: “I want to become a successful businessman - open my own online store of trendy things. What do I need for this? Starting capital for creating a website, purchasing the first batch of goods and advertising. I need an amount of 1,000,000 rubles for this. There are two ways: take a loan or save. Which one is better to use? Wait 2-3 years, accumulating the amount, or risk getting into debt?

This is just an example. The goal can be anything - less or more global. The most important thing in the process of setting it up is that a person begins to understand himself and his desires, to understand what exactly he wants and what things awaken in him the desire to live.

About prejudice

Often in a topic related to the search for the meaning of one’s existence, there are questions formulated in this way: “What should a woman do in life?” or “How can a man find himself?”

So, something needs to be clarified. People who ask questions in this particular formulation should first of all understand: we live in a modern emancipated world, where there are no purely female or purely male professions / hobbies. We are all people first and foremost. And a person, no matter what gender he is, is free to do what he wants.

So we need to get rid of prejudice. And stop worrying about what people think. The opinion of outsiders is the last thing that should worry a person who decides what new things to do in life.

After all, all such questions arise because of baseless prejudices. The most popular one sounds like this: “A man should choose a profession that could feed both him and his family.” Well, firstly, the primitive system, when representatives of the strong half of humanity were considered earners, has long come to an end. And what is second, was described in the first paragraphs.

100% motivation

All of the above may not matter to some people. They will consider it just words and meaningless reasoning. Well, for such people to decide what they really need to do in life, a technique called “Six months before death” can help.

Life is not eternal. Each of us will die. Death is not just a word. It is the disappearance of all reality. The meaning of this phrase is difficult to explain - everyone must pass it through themselves. And think: what if its end comes in a few months? After all, no one knows how much time is allocated to him. Every day a person is getting closer to death. His life is shortened. Is this not a reason to start looking for your destiny right now?

Usually a person, getting rid of the illusion of infinity of time, reveals his true values. He understands what really matters to him, and what things he would not be sorry to spend the remaining months on. Answers to many questions appear. And most importantly, a person realizes what kind of life he would live in the remaining days and what he would do.

Here it is, the solution! What remains? Just remove the “would-be” bits from all your answers and start living in such a way that when you die, you don’t have to feel regret for wasted time.

Technique "Rich Life"

You can use it if a person is interested in the topic of how to understand what to do in life.

The technique is simple. First you need to relax as much as possible, close your eyes, and "withdraw into yourself." And then turn on the imagination. It is necessary to imagine in detail the “ideal future”, where a person has everything that he could only dream of - a beautiful big house, a modern apartment, cars, yachts ... anything can be on this list. There is no need to worry about money - a person is provided with unlimited until the end of his days.

Realizing this, you need to think: what would you like to do in such conditions? How would you start, end and end your day? What will a person spend his free time on? Usually many wrong beliefs go away.

By the way, you can still ask yourself a few tricky questions. For example: “Would I be doing my current job if I were fabulously rich? Would I have done this if I had stayed a year before I died? Would I pay to be able to do my current job if it was necessary? Answers to such questions put a lot in place in the mind of a person.

No need to focus on work

This is another simple truth to remember. A person who is concerned about the question “What to do in life?” May not be limited to a business approach. Yes, work takes up a significant part of life, but if he cannot or is not yet ready to change it, there is another way out!

It's about a hobby. For many people, life is divided into two parts. It's a job and a hobby. Moreover, the latter may include several types of activities. It is recommended to make a "Puzzle of Hobbies" - something like a visualization board. On the sheet you need to write out at least 20 activities that are really loved and bring pleasure. For example - cycling, parties until the morning, communication with foreigners, physical activity, shopping, etc.

After the puzzle is completed, it is worth highlighting for yourself the type of activity in which you could formulate any goals. For example: “Become fully proficient in Spanish”, or “Run 10 km on the track”. It's great if the hobby is useful. You can engage in a healthy lifestyle, or a new type of activity that is attractive to a person (who knows, maybe in the future it will become the main one?). The most important thing is not to limit yourself in anything. Each of us deserves happiness, and you can achieve it only by spending your life on something that brings pleasure.

The problem of choice is one of the most difficult. What suit to wear? Where to send the child to study? What to do in the evening? These are the most innocent questions that arise before everyone throughout life. Most of us can not correctly, what they would like to do in life. For years, they automatically go to a hateful office, perform boring duties and feel deeply unhappy at the same time. But how to understand what to do in life, if no instructions on this subject have yet been invented?

There are still some ideas. So how do I figure out what I want and what will make me happy?

Task number 1: think about yourself

Stop choosing your path in life to please your parents, please your friends, or win the approval of your loved ones. Stop trying to please everyone! Turn on healthy selfishness and ask yourself: “What do I want to do in life?”

Imagine yourself as an orphan, without friends, relatives, acquaintances and any pressure from society. In front of you is an empty city without a single person, but there is an opportunity to do absolutely any business that you like. What would you choose?

Challenge #2: Don't be sorry

When choosing a path in life, there is no shame. Parents will leave sooner or later, old friends will drop out, some spouses will change like gloves. But only the beloved, bringing pleasure business remains with us. So think of yourself in the future and try to find this case. Try and don't regret failures. No matter what relatives and friends say, your calling is something that will stay with you forever. And its search is impossible without errors. Don't be afraid to try.

Challenge #3: Decide what matters to you

Find what is really important to you in life. Ask yourself the question: “What do I want to do in life, regardless of someone else’s opinion?” Do not look back at the opinion of authorities! Decide on your own. Do your parents put family first? But it doesn't have to be the same for you. Choose your favorite profession, travel, self-knowledge, or something else that the soul lies in. The main thing at this stage is to clearly define the goal.

Challenge #4: Eliminate Limiting Factors

Sometimes limiting factors interfere with making a choice: irritation, bad mood, conflict situations. But how to understand what to do in life if all this negativity is pressing on you? Decide what at this moment prevents you from making the only right decision and abstract from it. Maybe you don’t want to, just because of unfortunate circumstances? Deal with these questions, and then make a decision.

Challenge #5: Find what makes you happy

Pleasure is one of the defining moments of human existence. The desire to do something depends on the pleasure that we get from this activity. Find something that brings you joy, pleasure, satisfaction and persistently move in this direction. Do you love? Get a job as a freelance correspondent for a travel publication (Internet portal) and write essays about your trips. Do you like children? Go to work in a children's educational center and realize yourself in this area.

Challenge #6: Tell everyone about your dream

It’s not enough to understand what makes you happy, you need to get the support of others. This is a powerful incentive that inspires on the difficult path to a dream, which encourages in moments of despondency and constantly calls to storm new heights. Therefore, do not be shy and tell everyone what you dream of doing. From now on, you have no way back: you can not return to the dull comfort zone and ruin your only life with impunity.

Task number 7: tune in to win and do not be afraid of obstacles

Keep a positive scenario in mind for your life. Don't be afraid of failure! Learn from them lessons and move on with redoubled perseverance and fury. Even Donald Trump fell. But he did not grieve over failures, but rose again to his feet and went forward in spite of his enemies. Now he is reaping the fruits of his perseverance and unbending will.

Now you can say to yourself: “I know how to understand what I want, and I see my way!” If you have undecided friends, share this information with them as well.

How to understand what to do in life?

For those who do not like his work, but that's what they like can not be understood.

Surely you are already tired of asking yourself how to understand what to do in life? how do you know what to do in life?

There is one nuance. The answer to the question of how to understand what to do in life can hide our prohibitions from childhood.

The main mistake that we all make when searching for our calling, or one of the main ones, is that we are looking for it with our heads. That is, we are trying to find it with the help of some logical constructions. Mind seeking. But think about the word FAVORITE business. After all, love is not sought by the head.

In general, it is more correct and more accurate to seek your calling through feelings. But therein lies the problem. Feelings are crushed from childhood by parents and, in general, by society. If you go into theory, then the so-called limbic system in the human head is responsible for desires. But she is also responsible for instincts. And if it is not curbed, the person will become more like an animal, and if it is completely crushed, then there will be another extreme. To some extent, we all have this extreme with the complete suppression of our feelings.

Here I give an exercise to find your business and reveal your sensitivity

We stopped listening to our body. We absolutely spit on his desires, signals and are guided only by the brain. And desires are not a function of the brain, the function of the brain is to fulfill desires. Accordingly, there are problems with motivation in general in life. What they say and, it seems, should be done is not a hunt, but what you want - you don’t feel for a long time. How does this happen? Very simple. Since childhood.

Here is a small example of a pattern, so to speak, behavior. Everyone needs an obedient child. That is convenient. Even this word carries a hint of pride: "I have, they say, a very obedient child." In essence, this means that the child does not do what he is interested in, but only does what he was pointed out. It achieves this by poking, threatening and other things. As a result, an understanding comes that doing what you want is dangerous or impossible, and what they say is not particularly desirable, but you have to, because such is life. The biggest lie. Further, this is reinforced by the school, then the university, and the output is a completely normal cog in the system. There is no initiative. Parental control had weakened by this time, but what to do is absolutely incomprehensible. Therefore, what needs to be done, in fact, is not wanted, and what one wants is unknown.

How does this happen? In childhood, due to the fact that parents want the child to become more manageable, they try to somehow make him more obedient. After all, it’s even like a social bonus in the eyes of others: “I have very obedient children.” Basically, it's easy to manage.

How did the submission process usually go? After all, the child is initially very active, and climbs everywhere. They start to scare him. They put pressure on him. Yell. They threaten. They call names. Sometimes they are punished physically. In some families - all the time. Or they are trying to somehow shame. Or they say that the child is to blame for this and that. Like, look at how your mom suffers because of you.

We have forgotten dozens of such moments that influenced our character and our destiny. The psyche did this on purpose so that it would not collapse completely

In general, as a result, the child becomes more or less obedient. And after many years, he wonders why I am somehow sluggish and apathetic. We still have children in us. A child sits in adults. And the reactions are appropriate. Such a lump was formed from resentment, fears, lack of love and other things. And he is within us. But we do not notice it at all.

In order for the energy to be released, it is necessary to stir up this lump, and remove it with the help of special techniques. Remove resentment, fear, guilt. Sometimes people cry when I do this kind of work with them. Adults. They cry over the events that happened 15 years ago, at least. Because these events and grievances are still sitting inside us. The psyche spends energy on containing such mini-bombs.

After that it becomes easier to live, to react to many things. And most importantly, it becomes possible to feel your desires. And that means you become more energetic. During the period of work, we also, with the help of a technician, find out what a person wants to do in life, what is his vector of development.

How to know what to do in life. Test "Do you mind your own business in life?"

Answer three questions - Yes / No

1. If you were fabulously wealthy, would you be doing what you are doing now?
2. If you had exactly one year left to live, would you do what you are doing now?
3. If you had to pay to be able to do your business, would you pay?

If you answered “NO” to at least one question, you are not doing the business for which you are intended, not your favorite business. It's not important to you at all.

How do you know what you want to do in life? Exercises

All exercises must be done in a special relaxed state. What is it for? If they are done simply in a state of constant internal dialogue, overclocked by the activity of the brain, then there will be no sense from them. The mind puts too many prohibitions, reflections, some kind of barriers. And it is very difficult to get through to your feelings.

There is such a thing as emotional intelligence and a relaxed state of the body and brain (trance, meditation, or, for example, when you are about to know, but have not yet fallen asleep). This will allow you to access this intelligence, which will give you the answer to the question, what is your favorite thing.

There is nothing surprising, terrible or mystical in this state. This is an everyday state. For example, when we read a book, we begin to imagine pictures inside ourselves. In general, trance is just attention turned inward, and not to the outside world. Or when listening to music. Or, when we almost fell asleep, but we are still sort of in reality.

How to specifically enter this state, I will describe in a separate chapter, but in general it is desirable that you be introduced into it by a specialist, a psychotherapist, for example. If you enter yourself, then the difficulty is that you need to maintain the relaxation of the whole body and brain, but part of the brain must be active and behave itself. But you can try if you want. Either way, it's better than just being awake doing any exercise at all.

The main thing is to trust yourself, trust your thoughts, which seem to arise from the depths. They come from your wisest unconscious. And it, believe me, knows better what to do. It communicates with us constantly and tries to get through to us, but we do not hear it. His language is not expressed in words - this is the whole problem. The language of the unconscious, to some extent the language of the soul, is sensations, images, forms, symbols. This is an interesting topic, and you can explore it in the consulting literature. Just listen to your body. In general, this skill is very useful in life. You can even choose your own path according to this criterion. We thought, for example, about some scenario that depends on you, and listened in addition to the brain, listened to what the feelings say. Whether the body wants it or not. Steve Jobs spoke about this in his speech to the graduates. You can listen to this video. Very educational. He said what was needed, no matter how, but he would trust his instinct and desire and begin to fulfill them. Even though the brain may claim it's stupid and irrational
Among other things, the trance state is simply curative. This is a state of relaxation, in which you gain energy.

How to know what to do in life. How to enter a light trance
So, how do you enter a relaxed trance state? For some, this seems difficult or impossible. But trust me, you do it every day. This is a natural state, and children generally stay in it almost all day. Watch them. Your system simply needs to lower the range of brain activity to lower levels, otherwise energy is wasted and it does not have time to recover. Plus, in it, the unconscious literally hem all the holes in your psyche.

In general, you can simply type in audio recordings on the Internet like “how to enter a trance” or listen to relaxing music. Or your favorite soothing music. And just sit down and think about something pleasant, about a place, for example, where you feel very good and comfortable. Where you feel confident and calm. Listen to your body. To the sensations in it. You probably haven't done this in a long time. The touch of air on the skin. How the clothes feel at the points of contact. How the stomach and chest rise and fall when breathing.

You can use this technique: sit comfortably in some place for a while, where no one will distract you. And start bringing the brushes together, but not completely, as if there is an invisible ball between the brushes, squeeze it, and as soon as your hands begin to spring, you can say you are in a trance, just go on and imagine that you are in a place where you are calm and okay, just stay there, let yourself relax.

Here's another way for beginners. I spied in one of the books of Paulo Coelho. Pour water on a smooth surface and just play with it. Click on it, build figures, and more. It will captivate you more than you think.

And after you have relaxed, plunged inside yourself, start doing the exercises described below. By the way, you can not do them, but just try to set a goal, for example, I go into a trance to understand my favorite thing. Go into a trance and just do nothing but wait: the unconscious can do everything by itself, just watch. If it's hard, then read on.

How to know what to do in life. Technique 1.« Rich life"

Performed in trance

After relaxation, going inward, start imagining your near future, but where all your material desires are fulfilled. Do you have a house of your dreams, or several. There are apartments, cars, yachts. Basically whatever you want. And all this is where you want: in the forest, on the sea, in the mountains, anywhere. Money comes to your card for the rest of your life. And you don't have to worry about them at all. Walk around there, see how it is and what is there. Imagine waking up there and starting your day. What would you do? From morning until evening. Then the next day. Another. Many wrong beliefs go away. Remember, you can do anything.
Don't be fooled by the simplicity of this exercise.

How to know what to do in life. Technique 2. "Six months before death"

Performed in trance

Removes the illusion of infinity of time, and reveals true values. Again in a trance, imagine that you have six months left to live, in detail, imagine how you found out, where and why, and then just think what you would do, which we would live our lives, where we would go, who we would see. What, in general, wasted their time. Go through the options and you'll get to what you want.

How to know what to do in life. Technique 3. "What can I give to the world?"

The answer to this question gives motivation for decades

Performed in trance

I personally thought about it for about three days. And I could not understand anything at all, but the answer would come.

Everywhere and everywhere they teach to take from life: blessings, love, pleasure, and what would you like to give to all people on this planet. Yes, at first it is difficult to understand and in general to answer something intelligibly, but you will tune in to the right wave and understand.

I hope you were able to answer the question for yourself: How to understand what to do in life

Many people go through their lives without even knowing what exactly they want to do. They go to jobs they hate, do projects they hate, and report to the person they hate with all their heart. And they don't even think that things could be different. After all, we have one life, and it is clearly not worth wasting it on disgusting work. Decided to change everything right now? This is excellent, but then you will face the problem of any person. What do you really want to do? It seems that yesterday you understood this very well, but today you are confused. If you can not decide, then we will help you find your destination. Just follow our advice and you will be able to find the best activity for you.

Think about yourself

Have a healthy selfishness. Do not try to help everyone at once, but take care of yourself. How do you decide what is interesting for you in life if you are constantly preoccupied with other people's problems? Forget about those around you for a while. Ask yourself: if you were now completely alone, without friends and family, without a job you hate, and you were not limited in your choice, then what exactly would you like to do. Don't be afraid to be selfish. If you do not put your interests above the public, then no one will.

Don't regret anything

Don't be ashamed to be selfish. This is your life. It is time for you to choose a path that will please you, and not your environment. Don't regret anything. If you constantly regret what you did or didn’t do in the past, then you are just standing still. Don't live in the past. Live for today. Live your future.

Think about what you need the most

We do not always understand what we really need in life. And it's extremely difficult to find out. Just sit down and think about it. What is important to you? A family? Freedom of expression? Financial well-being? You can make a priority list if that helps.

Determine what's bothering you

It is really sensible to decide what you want to do, you can only if nothing will hold you back. If you are upset about something or your head is full of things, then you will never be able to choose sensibly. Plus, find out what exactly annoys you at the moment. Needless to say, office work pisses you off. Think about what aspect of your work gives you concern. Are you annoyed by your boss? What is your schedule? Your position? Or all at once? Now think about how you can change that? Perhaps you are satisfied with the current situation, and changing only a couple of its aspects will make you the happiest person.

Now find out what makes you happy

Pleasure is the key to a happy life. If you enjoy life, then you are not just living your years, but filling them with meaning. Pick a couple of moments in your life when you were truly happy. What gave you pleasure? Travels? Communication with children? Campaign management? When you understand what really makes you happy, it will be easier for you to choose your future path.

Tell everyone around you about your dream

There is no need to hide from family and friends that you have decided to drop everything and go towards your dream. Tell your friends and family about everything. If you share your thoughts, then they will definitely support you in your endeavors and help you as much as possible. You will also get many interesting ideas. After all, one head is good, but two is better.

Get in a good mood

Life does not always go according to the script we have written. There is no need to fall into apathy if something did not work out for you. Instead of mourning and doing nothing, get up and continue with a vengeance. Not immediately, but success will come to you. This is just a small delay, not a complete failure. Do not give up. Just think positive and do what you have dreamed of all your life.

Just don't think that finding your destination is so easy. Many people have been looking for it all their lives. The main thing is not to stop and keep looking. One day, the muse will come down to you and help you find your life's work. Until then, keep trying. Try it without feeling sorry for yourself. Try different professions and occupations. After all, if you don't try it, you'll never know if it's for you or not.

Do you think you have found the perfect job for you?

The next issue of the Takeaway Psychology program is dedicated to the search for inner harmony through finding a “way to yourself” and gaining self-sufficiency.

After watching the program on TUT.BY-TV, you will learn:

• preventive measures against the “crisis of meaning”;
• what actions increase your weight as a person in the eyes of others;
• why running a marathon with someone is easier than running alone;
• what to do when you don’t know what you want to do in life, and you are afraid to try new things, because you are sure that “nothing will work anyway”;
• why the lack of "talent" is not a sentence, but an excuse;
• what is behind the women's fear of "losing yourself" in caring for the family and a small child;
• what is "self-sufficiency" from the point of view of psychology and how to "acquire" it;
• why “being in harmony with yourself” is not about the lotus position and Zen, but about getting rid of sloppy thinking;
• what to do in a situation where one of the spouses flirts with “self-improvement” and begins to accuse the other of being boring and “ordinary” (which may end with the phrase “we have nothing more to talk about, our marriage is dead, let's get a divorce”);
• “Love and accept yourself” - what is it all about?

Answers to these and many other questions - in the program "Psychology to take away" with a psychologist Pavel Zygmantovich and journalist Olga Kakshinskaya.

Open/download video (164.78 MB)

Attention! You have JavaScript disabled, your browser does not support HTML5, or an older version of Adobe Flash Player is installed.

Download audio (28.52 MB)

If the topic of finding oneself arises, then the person who asked this question is an idler. Life is filled with meaning, a person does something important for himself, which he endows with a certain significance. If there is no such personal meaning, any activity seems useless and unnecessary. Then the person says that he cannot find himself.

Indeed, the problem of meaninglessness is seriously on the agenda for some people. Before, there was little time for reflection. When you were a Cro-Magnon jumping over the rocks and trying to drive a mammoth, there was no time to argue. In the modern world there is time for entertainment, and the problem of finding the meaning of life appears.

In addition, activity is now divorced from man. Let's say a person sorts through papers in the office of an oil company. What does he do? What is it for? What happens if he sorts out the papers incorrectly? But if we are talking about a person who works in a fund and is trying to find money for the sick, a lot depends on his mistakes. There is meaning in his work.

Letter from a reader: “I just can’t find myself. I constantly find ideals among young beautiful girls - and it begins: “What hair color! What a hairstyle! Which style! I want to be the same." Please tell me how to deal with it."

The girl is not so much looking for herself as she wants to be some kind in the eyes of other people. It is important for her to be perfect, and she sorts through the images that are "appointed" as good.

She sees a stylish girl, sees admiring glances after her and thinks she wants the same thing.

This is fine. Humans are ultra-social beings. If they engage in monotonous activities in a group, their results become better. For example, cancer patients recover faster if they participate in a support group. We have a need for belonging.

It may be belonging to some ideal, because if you belong to this ideal, you will receive your share of recognition. The only question is why spray. It's still impossible to please everyone. And there is no ideal, which is definitely better. We like a minority of people. You don’t have to look for yourself, but it’s better to choose an option and move calmly in it, realizing that for some people it will be unattractive, and some people will appreciate your choice.

Is it better to start from personal feelings? Try different images, and when one of the copied images is found in which it is comfortable, stay in it.

In adolescents, this is especially pronounced. They try different roles, so subcultures are especially developed among them.

But in the case of our reader, another mechanism can also work - doing business, that is, something important for others. For example, some person saw an abandoned pond near the HTP and began to ennoble it. This business is important for others, a person has a personal meaning.

The girl wants to feel involved, and she chooses the path of beauty. But it's a dead end, because you can't please everyone. And if she is busy with business, then the throwing will stop, there will be a feeling that you are busy with an important and useful business.

Another situation: “I can’t fully understand what is interesting and where to develop. If I want to do something, I immediately begin to think that nothing will work out: there are no skills, there is no appropriate education. What is the recipe for courage?

There is no need for a recipe for courage. The task is to remove some things in the brain. It can be seen from what has been written that a person has black-and-white thinking - “if I don’t have this, I can’t do this.” There is also a predetermined attitude that talents, skills and knowledge should be available immediately. If a girl is not going to operate on a patient, work at a nuclear power plant and develop technical components for aircraft, you can already take it and try it. Black and white thinking slows down because there is no reason to say to yourself: “I can’t do this, but I want to learn. So I will take and learn.

Many people do not understand the main thing. Set-pointing is an unrealistic thing. A person has some given things: eye color, hair color, bone width, muscle growth rate. But as far as behavior is concerned, the task of a person is extremely low.

People have serious differences in dealing with errors. Some people really dislike mistakes, and some take them lightly, and this is only partly biologically determined. Most of it is a cultural, social, psychological superstructure that can be changed.

A lot of people talk about being able to do something. It is not true. For example, hearing and voice develop in any person, the question is speed. There are no talents, but there is a lot of work and a good technique. For some, it will require more effort and take more time, but this does not mean that a person cannot learn it.

In the United States, a teacher once noticed that Asians do very well in math, while blacks do poorly. He began to investigate why. It turned out that the Asians are preparing in a group of five to ten people. Due to the fact that they are doing the same thing together, they have social facilitation. When everyone is faced with a problem and cannot solve something, they work together to find the right solution, or one person solves and teaches the others. With Negroes, everyone sits alone, he does not succeed, and he thinks that he is not capable of anything.

As a result, the teacher began to unite blacks in groups, and already in a semester they pulled up mathematics. By the end of the third semester, they performed on a par with the Asians.

Any skill is formed exclusively in the process of real activity. Even with very good training, an athlete still does not know how to perform at big competitions until he has experience of performing at big competitions. It’s okay if you don’t know how to do something - take it and try it. Slowly, in the process of real activity, the skill will come.

There is such a thing as the fear of losing yourself. For example, some girls, when planning a pregnancy, are afraid of social isolation on maternity leave and dissolve in worries. What is behind this fear?

Humans have a need for autonomy—the need to make their own decisions and follow them. With the advent of the child, this fear of losing autonomy is justified. The need for it becomes sharply unsatisfied. There is a feeling that the next day is similar to the previous one. The woman washed the dishes - and in half an hour again a mountain of dirty dishes.

The only way out is to understand that there will be no other way. The birth of a child for 7-8 years seriously reduces autonomy. For example, a woman decides to start running. She bought sneakers, agreed that her husband would stay with the child. But the child did not sleep all night, the mother spent the whole night next to the child. What else is running? Or the child went to school, but fell ill, and at the age of 7 you cannot leave him at home alone. Once again, plans fall apart. We must accept that it will be like this all the time, and see the advantages of parenthood.

In many ways, this is influenced by the fact that the media says that you can be a mother of three children and at the same time be an ideal housewife, maintain a wonderful relationship with your husband, and even work. An ordinary woman looks at this picture and thinks: what is wrong with me if I don’t have one?

This is a common occurrence. If the relationship in the environment is not very close, then the woman shows only the facade, the best. She went to the park with her child, to the theater with her husband, and all this happened in a month, but it is told as if over a weekend. Indeed, there is a picture that everything is fine with them, and everything is bad with us. Develops a sense of guilt, thoughts "I'm not like that", depression. Understanding that all this is not true can help here, and if someone succeeds, then this is luck. Man, for his part, can do little in this matter.

Maybe it makes sense to ask a woman who manages everything, how she does it. And don't self-deprecate.

There is no need to engage in self-deprecation at all. Having children and losing yourself in the family is difficult, but it will pass, and if there is a technique, it can be somehow alleviated. The main thing is not to make a tragedy out of the fact that something doesn’t work out for you. It is very strange to hope that the child will always sleep well at night. It will not, and you need to know about it in advance.

The next question is about how to be in harmony with yourself. In the head there is a certain ideal picture of being in a state of Zen, when a person is surrounded by a certain aura. In real life, you get stepped on, you get angry, you get annoyed. Is it possible for a person, a changeable being, to reach that very point of calm?

If we took a vacation, went to the Braslav lakes, sailed in a boat, admired the surrounding nature, inspired ourselves. At this point, we reach that point of stillness. but it is impossible to remain in such a state permanently.

Neuropsychologist Oliver Sacks has a book called An Anthropologist on Mars. In one story, he describes a man who "became enlightened." He was beautiful, everyone loved him, he could sit in meditation for days, he always had a blissful smile. Gradually he stopped talking to people, he just looked at them and touched them with his hand. Then he died because he had a fist-sized tumor in his head. She was the one who made him good.

If the people around noticed that the person was actually behaving abnormally, they would take him to the clinic. Most likely, the person would have survived. Enlightenment can come with age, because a person becomes wiser, he has seen life, he understood something, and he experienced hormonal changes. But even in this case, a person normally has different aspirations. People with only one aspiration are maniacs or fanatics.

For example, a girl is studying at a university. Tomorrow she has an exam, she has to study, and suddenly her friend invites her to a party. The girl is also interested in relationships, and she has a choice. There is no harmony here anymore, and that's okay. The task of the girl is to calmly decide for herself what is more priority for her, and accept the consequences of such a decision. Experiences in this moment are harmful. Additional experiences “what if”, “what if” complicate the choice.

How to deal with habit and addiction?

When people experience addiction, among other things, there is a moment of additional self-debilitation. A person asks himself: “What kind of person am I if this happened to me?” and then: "What kind of person am I if I can't handle this?" But getting rid of addiction is quite difficult. To overcome it, you need to stop beating yourself up. Once you have a habit, you can't just break it.

If thoughts of self-flagellation arise, do ten squats. Physical activity stops the flow of thoughts. The third step is to stop counting your failures and focus on them. For example, a person is losing weight. Usually he reproaches himself that today he broke and again ate something superfluous. But in this case, he focuses on failure. But you need to focus on success, even if it’s small: “I ate the cake, but twice refused the chocolate that my colleagues offered.”

Here again, black-and-white thinking appears: if I ate the cake, I'm good for nothing, the whole diet is in vain. But the man broke, there is nothing wrong with that. Breaking a habit is learning a new behavior, and every such process is associated with failure. The skill improves in leaps and bounds, even after a short pause. Therefore, you can do nothing, after a while return to this skill, and it will be better than it was before the pause. In the case of cake, if you held on all week and ate cake on the weekend, don't despair. Eat more and start a new life from Tuesday.

People sometimes catastrophize events: “Oh my God, I ate the cake!”. But, according to recent studies, for example, it is not good for alcoholics to strive for a complete rejection of alcohol. This works much worse than if we strive to reduce the amount of alcohol consumed and introduce consumption into a controlled corridor.

In a full tie, a person is likely to break. With his inherent sloppy thinking, he will think that it did not work, he is a lost man, and he will drink again. An old habit fades in waves, and a new habit grows in waves. The key here is not to stop at the rise and fall. Many people stop because they think they definitely didn't succeed.

Suppose one of the spouses is engaged in self-improvement: attends courses, reads books on psychology. One day he tells his partner that he has outgrown him, that he is ordinary and earthly, and the person feels at a higher level. It destroys relationships.

People don't like being pressured. If I am told to do something, by the very fact of demanding, admonishing, insisting, they make me a person who does not make decisions on his own. It is unpleasant. When someone comes and says that they have read or heard some idea and that from now on the couple will live according to the new rules, it turns out that everything has been decided for the second partner.

Any such opinion should be submitted as your own. Then there is no authoritative pressure, no desire to resist, and the partner perceives this idea better.

There is growth and development. Growth is an increase in quantitative indicators. Development is an increase in quality indicators. But when a person says that he is developing, what does he mean? If a person has developed so much, why can't he pull up his partner?

When a person nearby is really developed, you want to follow him and take an example from him. Then the question is, if you are developed, why didn’t you become more attractive in the eyes of the person next to you?

If you don't attract anyone by your example, have you really evolved? And then there is no "I outgrew you." There is an elementary "we stopped talking." People became degenerate, ceased to be carried away by each other and each other's affairs and became strangers.

Sometimes a partner says that he is ready to develop, but he will ask you to explain where. And they answer him: “You need to understand this yourself. Read this book, you will understand." When there is no specifics, everything is very difficult. Synchronization is the ability to hear each other.